I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
