What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
