i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
