i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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