Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
