I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
