Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
