i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
