I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
