Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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