My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
