just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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