I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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