The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
