matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
