Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
