can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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