Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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