I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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