I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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