I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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