You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
