i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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