I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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