I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
