Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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