At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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