i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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