Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
