That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
