that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the condom got lost in my hair
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
