I heard we made out
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
