Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
