i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
