I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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