I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
