Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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