So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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