I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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