His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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