If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
