I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
