I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
