i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
