i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
