tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
