Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
