Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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