the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just forgot I was standing up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
