You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
