Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
