Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
