apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
