hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
